What inspire Me So Much?

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What inspire Me So Much?

I had faced some very difficult, painful and sad thing, I was bullied, left out by my best friends and.....also meet some terrible thing in my life. 

Everyday I keep asking myself, What is the meaning I living here? 

Is it the meaning why I exist? Living like a walking dead?

Exchange myself become part of them,Become an incompetence nondescript, even myself also feel that I have no meaning of existence? 

God,I'm living in a HELL.

I considered suicide, but I still alive.Still painfully alive in this cruel world.

And one day,

Until one day,I read a book,<Van Gogh>.

Van Gogh

A lot of people know his name,his paintings always deal in an very horrible and expensive price at the auction.

He paranoid ,he loneliness,children called him "the red-haired fool", adult called him "Three-year-old idiot", He cut off his ear, but didn't feel anything ; He let the candle  burning his hands until blistering just wanna to express his love....

People always say that Van Gogh was a crazy genius.He walked hundreds of miles to meet his first love Ursula, He burn his palm become rotten when pursued his own cousin, He took a knife chasing his friend Gauguin,He cut off his own ear with a razor and dedicate to a prostitute ...... such of crazy thing he do... 

But maybe, in the eyes of a madman, most normal people are the craziest, Who know?

Nobody can explain it except the madman themselves.

we read his encounters,we feel his misery,He left a popular words when he died :"La tristesse durera toujours " means "the sadness will last forever".

Whenever I'm felt dissatisfied with this world,I will think what Van Gogh finally became? Just a dead painter.Compare myself with him, take the difficulties of him as my own difficulties, take frustrations of him as my own frustrations, then learn from him.

We are optional animals. But, we have chosen desires, and Van Gogh chose suffering.Van Gogh is literally told us: The greatest source, one is a desire for love, one is painful experience.

His life is full of failures, His life is full of pathos;
He was abounded by world, He was a painter who discarded by mainstream art;
He was a man be forgotten by love....

The people's eyes in his painting are always suppressed desire, passion are burning .

No compromise, only unwilling, did not yield, only to struggled.

---Same as his vicissitudes of life.

He encouraged me a lot.

Life is constantly suffering,we have no way to change it...

But no matter how difficult the way to go, do not give up what you want, even if the final was painful, but at least I tried,  no matter how hard to persist my way,but I tried.Although we earn nothing in the end, I won't regret , because that is my own choice,

I'm satisfied.

reference: Irving Stone(1929), Desire to live:Van Gogh Biography, Beijing Publishing House.